Canadian Terror Week Picks and Pans

A week down the road from our first little episode of alleged home-grown terror, and its time to rate some of the main players. So here is BigCityLib's personal list of Picks and Pans:

Stephen Harper--Pick: Displayed an almost "Canadian" common sense. No demagoguery, good message: "Don't overreact. Stay calm". Kept his head, in other words (tee hee). But is the whole thing a right wing conspiracy to sacrifice innocent Muslims and get in good with George W. Bush? Stay tuned.

Bill Graham--Pan: The interim Lib leader was stupid enough to link the home-grown terror threat to our mission in Afghanistan. Apparently, if we pulled out, more Asian kids from Mississauga would decide they needed to behead the PM. Retire this guy. Not even the Tories have been talking so dumb.

Christie Blatchford--BIG FAT DOUBLE PAN: For writing a series of columns that veered from raw shrieks of panicked bigotry ("Ignoring the Elephant in The Room") to unsubtantiated bullshit. Who are her sources anyway? Is she nailing some guy from CSIS? I would link, but her articles are behind the Globe's infamous firewall.

David Miller and the people of Toronto--Pick: For remaining as cool and sexxxy as only you can be! (Other than those jerks out in Etobicoke who did this) What a Mayor! What a town! Stay blase, brothers and sisters.

Andrew Coyne--Pick: For keeping it in his pants in columns like this. Even the contributors on his right wing blog have come around towards moderation on the issue. He truly hosts a better class of wingnut.

The rest of the Right Wing Blogosphere--Pan: For being racists pigs and frightened little sucky wads at the same time. Torontonians can surely remain calm; the kids at SmallDeadAnimals and Blogging Tories are terrified enough for all of us! An extra Pan for spelling and style. How many ways can you mis-spell Muslim? Send me an email, Kate, and I'll send your people a dictionary and a thesaurus.

CSIS/Police--Undecided: If you guys bagged some real terrorists, BigCityLib will buy you a year's free donuts! If this is a cock-up, like Operation Thread or that bust last week in London, but on a massively larger scale, then I'll buy you all gold watches because you're fucking retiring early, assholes!

The "Terrorists"--Pan: Either would-be murderers or a pack of really dumb teenage boys (and some weird older guy) doing the muslim equivalent of "blacking up" and acting muther-fukin' badddasssed, complete with combat fatigues and shitty rap poetry. I would hope the latter is the case, obviously. Prison can be hard on kids their age, especially if they're in any way good looking. They'll have to either learn how to fight or to dance, if you know what I mean. Some advice, terrorist kids: if all else fails you can always "marry" the convict with the most cigarettes. (On second thought, half a Pick for comedy value. Trust Canada to host the worlds funniest terrorists. This could be a tv show, like The Trailer Park Boys but with bombs and beheadings. Beheadings! Ain't that a hoot? I can't get over it!)