Oscar, Straight White Boys, and Straw Shaped Women

With the Oscars coming up tonight, I thought I would take a brief look at a few issues surrounding the big ceremony. Specifically, why doesn't anybody watch it anymore? Why has one of the historically most effective means of promoting the Liberal agenda been mis-firing so badly lately? Everybody in my family used to stay up for the thing. Now, the only reason I'm tuning in is that my wife wants us to spend some "quality time" together. She has promised to watch two episodes of the Trailer Park Boys and the first half of Alien Vs. Predator with me at a later date if I can hang in for a couple of hours, or at least until Reese Witherspoon takes home her best actress award.

Now, I am not one of those who would argue that the Progressivist agenda per se has become a turn off. In fact, I think people yearn to embrace something that takes them beyond themselves and connects them to a vision of the Greater Good. And Liberalism is obviously that thing. I just think that the denizens of Hollywood need to employ a few more carrots with their sticks as they attempt to get "our" message out. Specifically, I think that they ought to at least attempt an appeal to the Straight White Boy (SWB for short)segment of the population. SWBS are the key to the advancement of any political program, any social movement, and yet it seems to me that tonight I will be the only non-gay white male within 200 hundred miles of a televesion broadcasting the Oscar ceremonies. In fact, my neighbor is planning to watch re-runs of Jerry Springer (esp. the one with The Moron and The Truckstop Hoe.) just as to make sure he doesn't accidentally catch even one single moment of coverage.

An opportunity for recruitment and advancement is surely being missed here. But what, concretely speaking, should Oscar be doing to bring the SWB back into the fold?

Well, having watched a bit of the Golden Globes this year, and studied on-line photos from it and some of the other awards shows, one definite issue is the quality of the actresses in the lead and supporting roles. Generally speaking, they are "alright", but certainly not "hot". And the award shows do nothing to flatter them. One thing I've noticed again and again and again is how flat-chested they all seem to be. Two quick examples:





Here, it very much looks as though Hilary Swank has had her breasts bound. Furthermore, take a look at Reese Witherspoon in this shot:





Now, Reese is actually pretty Hot, the very flower of Southern Womandom, as a matter of fact, but in this picture it looks like you could play shuffleboard on her chest. Furthermore, having seen Legally Blonde, I can say for sure that Reese has "got 'em". For example, check out:




Much better, right? I can only hypothesize that the groping hands of Political Correctness have been attempting to mold Reese into Oscar's preferred "tubular" form. You know, something that won't scare 'em too much out in the Heartland.

At this moment, my only hope is that Mariah Carey shows up, and that the camera goes to her



early and often. (It looks from the photo here that she's a "tippler" as well. How hot is that?)

Now I am not (at this point at least) advocating full-frontal nudity on Oscar night. But I am saying that any war needs its elite guard, and in the Cultural Wars, that means Straight White Boys. But if you want your army to fight, you have to feed them.

So feed me, Oscar! Feed me!