Sunday, July 06, 2014

Die Media Die: National Post On Its New Summer Print Schedule

I haven't seen the official  NP statement announcing their summer schedule, but someone on the inside has emailed me a secret first draft, before the despairing tone of it was softened to something more resembling "down but not out".

Dear National Post Readers, Should There Be Any Of You Left Out There:

Between now and Labour Day we will not be printing our Monday edition.  Since it was going entirely unsold, management felt the energy expended in its production might be better directed towards heating our tents and running the coffee machines on a restricted basis.  Also, it was discovered that some of the glue used to bind our glossy inserts could be boiled down to its starch and sugar components, and smeared over bread for its calories.  Or over boiled belt and running shoe, maybe, when the time comes.  

For, as our readers may know already (assuming you are out there somewhere, not surfing the Internet for your news and entertainment), we were recently forced to sell our building on Don Mills Road and relocate to an yurt village along the Don River itself, for budgetary reasons (we're broke). We use the wifi at a nearby Tim Horton's to file our stories, and pee in the bush.  Unfortunately a nearby encampment of homeless cannibals has contested our right to this space, and they seem more numerous and better fed than we.  We may have more urgent tasks ahead of us soon than cranking out our Monday paper.

And, as for that edition, and in fact all of our editions: despite our many, many efforts to "do more with less", it still isn't happening.  Our product (The National Post) still goes over like a bus full of Vietnamese orphans off a ravine road North of Ho Chi Minh City.  

Nevertheless, we can do naught but pray for a brighter future, or at least a swift death.

The Editors
National Post

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