Saturday, August 17, 2013

Dear Tim Hortons: It's Not Your Lids That Are The Problem

...but what's in the cup.  Your coffee is too patriotic, and not near gay enough.  I refuse to drink it. Every double-double is as though I am casting a vote for a regressive, far-right government.  It is also on the markedly bitter side.  Your Mr. Hansen will discover all this when he leaves Calgary and finds that there are other brands, like Satanbucks, or Coffee Crime, where the servers are always friendly and the pan-handlers doff their hats in respect as they block your path to the men's room and lunge for your wallet.  It will strike him with the force of a revelation, just as the sight of his first two-way street will strike him: can such things truly be?


Omar said...

"Your coffee is too patriotic, and not near gay enough. I refuse to drink it. Every double-double is as though I am casting a vote for a regressive, far-right government".

Hear, bloody, hear!

Even McDonald's brew puts TH's swill to shame AND their lids are kick-ass!

Rene said...

This coffee lid quandary has Alberta Reformers so worked up they are biting each other and unable to distinguish friend from foe.

One regular Alberta bigot on Yahoo discussions alias Little or no Sympathy, who generally reserves his contempt for natives, gays, immigrants, Quebecers made the following comment on the Tim Horton coffee lid flap:

"This is a place that people from all around the country have been supporting due to their floods this summer, they almost lost a train loaded with fuel in the Bowriver, the giant maxi pad they play hockey in was almost sunk, literally, and the biggest beef with the Cowgarians is their Timmies lids?????? Way to keep the priorities straight................."

To which one outraged Calgary Reformer, sensing hostile citicism from a despised cultural enemy, responded :

"In that case, #$%$."

"Likewise I have no sympathy for you and your little have not equalization payment sucking corner of the country in which you and your hovel are located."

"Please feel free to send back all of the money we shovel at you the other 364 days per year that we are not up to our #$%$ in water, otherwise #$%$."

Which obviously enraged Alberta Reform bigot Little or no Sympathy , being mistaken for some worthless whining Quebecer, to which he responded :

"#$%$ are you going on about?? I live in Edmonton you #$%$ and send as much money as you do, I hope you feel like the truly stupid Cowgarian that you are and thanks for provong my point"....

You may likewise take note that the loudest, most obnoxious Tim Horton's flagwavers in such discussion is the Reform retirement home contingent, the vanguard favoured by Freedom Cruise organizers, who disparage Tim Horton critics by challenging both their patriotism and their age, as in :

"Meh, there was something intrinsicately Canadian about Timmies because it was originally owned by a Canadian by the name of Tim Horton, a former Maple Leaf, . did you know that? Americans had it in their grasp for 2 or 3 years and we got it back. so, yes, it is Canadian, How young are you to make a statement like that ?"

To which our youthful Tim Horton critic replied :

"To answer your imbecilic questions - I am Canadian and I've lived here for all 46 years of my life. I am a huge fan of hockey and its history, so I am very well aware of who Tim Horton was. My point isn't that Tim's isn't Canadian - my point is that Tim's does not DEFINE Canada or Canadians as the article and Tim Horton's marketers attempted to imply."

"In my opinion, Tim's is an embarrassment to Canada - awful coffee, tasteless doughnuts, opting to employ foreign workers rather than pay Canadians a decent wage. My Canada isn't so low class. I believe in a Canada that can achieve great things - a country that certainly choose a higher standard than Tim Horton's by which to define itself."

Holly Stick said...

As an native Albertan and a long time Calgarian, I always thought Tim's was more of an Ontario thing; though maybe it's a small town thing. There are numerous independent coffee shops in Calgary, but they tend to be where the old hippie types gather I guess.