The Shorter Paul Wells

Prime Minister Harper plays Chess; his opponents, a broken Bolivian Armpit Flute.

He first wrote this column in 2007, and he's just changed up the words a bit since.

Stephen Harper's Mother's Day Greeting: The Secret First Draft

You've probably heard about this.  Yesterday Stephen Harper asked Canada to wish Laureen Harper, his wife and the mother of his two kids, a happy Mother's Day.  Many people noted oddity of the little episode.  Through my secret sources, I have obtained a first draft of Harper's letter, before his PR people got hold of it.  I think it explains a lot.

It reads better if you click on the image.

Know Who To Blame, Canada

PM Stephen Harper and Heritage Minister James Moore pose with two new Senate appointees.

What Stephen Harper Does In His Spare Time

...follow free pornpics on twitter? Finally, me and the PM may have something in common. Not enough to make me vote for him. Maybe something to talk about if we wind up in a prison cell together.

More realistically, what might this amount to?  The guy tweeting for Harper getting a bit randy on the plane?

Say No More

To Free Dominion Members
Congratulations on your Free Dominion Banquet


As the leader of the Canadian Reform Conservative Alliance, I want to thank you for the volunteer work you are doing to promote principled conservatism. Thank you for providing a discussion forum for the Alliance's National Council Candidates. It is through hard working volunteers like yourself that we will defeat the Liberals.


The internet will continue to play an increasing role in the interactive citizen government e-relationship. Free Dominion is on of the many steps in that direction.


[...]

Sincerely,

Stephen Harper
Canadian Alliance Leader

Free Dominion.  Where the secret agenda is right out in the open.

PS. Link to original document is here.  Blogger has sure picked the wrong time to suck again.

Stephen Harper: I Did Not Have Electoral Intercourse With That French Man

...or that tiny Socialist, in that hotel room so long ago. (Or was it a motel room? But that would be so tawdry.)

Mordor Falls AGAIN!

Buckets notes an interesting historical parallel.

Harper's Coffee Mug A Media Whore

A number of writers have noted that PM Harper is drinking from a Beatles themed coffee mug in his "Rising to the Challenge" TV spot. Nobody has pointed out that the same mug made its first appearance almost exactly a year ago (as reported on this very blog). The occasion then was a bit of staged video designed to show that Harper was working hard on security issues during prorogation. The occasion now is a bit of staged video designed to show Harper working hard on economic issues. That coffee mug knows an empty photo-op when it sees one.

Canada Is BACK!!!

Seriously, though, its a really nice aquarium. But wasn't there an obscure back-bencher around somewhere that could have handled this? Shouldn't the PM being back in Ottawa fighting off socialist coalitions, or something?

Update: Looks like the PM brought Senator Duffy along with him. Looks like Duff's lost weight.

Oh My

If you ever liked Nickelback, you can stop now:
According to the Ottawa Citizen, our dear leader and his son were in attendance for some good, pro-family entertainment — y'know, songs about blowjobs and strippers — wholesome children-friendly stuff.

Nickelback is to rock what the Leafs are to hockey; they make tons of money even though they suck.

h/t

It Is The "O"ne: Onion Ring Addresses Supporters

On the afternoon of February 4th, an onion ring, plucked from anonymity at a Swiss Chalet in Etobicoke (eh-TOE-bih-coh), Ontario, became more popular on Facebook than Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper. In barely more than a day, 35,000 Canadians spoke out, and their voice conveyed one message: we would rather be governed by a loop of battered & sauteed onion.

On Thursday afternoon the onion ring spoke to supporters on Parliament Hill.

Now, you're reading this here because MSM coverage of the event was scandalously poor. And since I'm writing it up for no money, you're not getting a full transcript. Fuck that. But, in brief, the onion ring has demanded Stephen Harper's resignation, and has offered to assume the Prime Ministership in his place. In a most magnanimous gesture, the onion ring attempted to reach out to Canadians who can't condone or have a moral objection to or simply don't like onion rings. It has agreed to participate in a coalition government with several other popular fast food items, a coalition of the grilling, if you will, although the French Fries are willing to be served au souvęreignist.

With help from Imp and artist friends.

And An Onion Ring Shall Lead Them All

I have just joined the Facebook group Can this Onion Ring get more fans than Stephen Harper? So far we are up to 9,000 "ringers". At 10,000 the ring will make its first public statement. It is rumored that it will demand fries.

Remember, when the onion rings, answer it.

Our PM In Copenhagen

Prime Minister Stephen Harper arrived at the Bella Center, where the summit is being held, at around 9:30 a.m. local time with bloodshot eyes after attending a gala dinner hosted by the Danish Queen that stretched until two o'clock Friday morning.

Reports say the gala would have gone even later, but Harper insisted on playing piano.

Harper Booed At Montreal Canadians Memorial

From a reader who may or may not wish to identify himself in the comments:

Les Glorieux were on fire tonight. The fans were pumped. By mid-period, people were already going hoarse form the cheering. They killed a 2 minute 5 on 3 and took it down the length of the ice and scored. Carey was a wall, a reinforced concrete wall.

And then...

The Prime Minister of our beloved country, Stephen Harper, appeared on the giant screen.

Instantly, the raucus crowd turned their deafening cheers to deadening boos like someone had flicked a switch. You could not hear a single word he said from the moment his face showed itself. Loud and sustained for the whole 60-90 seconds of his English message and then his French message and his obligatory nerdy thumbs up.

This seemed to me a very surprisingly angry booing. I was really taken aback. The anger was quite palpable. I've never been a part of something like that. I don't think your ordinary Montrealer likes our Prime Minister all that much.

Booing confirmed here.

Words Fail Me

This is supposed to have been taken in Mumbai,but the gal left is (I am sure) Andrea Martin, so I suspect our Leader hasn't even left Canada, but is at a secret location taping some kind of SCTV reunion special.

An Interesting Concatenation Of Names

Leo Housakos + Stephen Harper + Tony Accurso

Bring Me The Head Of Tony Clement

Industry Minister Tony Clement contradicts the PM's claim that he doesn't watch Canadian News Shows:

"I'm sure he does" watch Canadian news, Clement said outside the House of Commons.

Told of Harper's assertion, Clement was frankly skeptical.

"We're news junkies, all of us are. Come on. You know what we're all about."

Junior Minister Peter Kent, despite his incredulity at the PM's statement, was smart enough to stand down when pressed:

"Well, I've never sat with him but I assume that he ..."

Kent then ran away screaming and making the sign of the cross.

Later, the PM was seen drinking the minister Clement's blood from a Tim's coffee cup.

Poll Busting News! Harper was Faking It!

[Former Rheostatics singer Dave] Bidini also questions Harper’s piano playing that night. “You never see his hands. If they were really going to do this, and if he really is an accomplished piano player, don’t you kind of sell that a little bit? ...There’s something about it that just doesn’t ring true.”

Booyah! This is worse than wafergate! Watch the momentum leak away!

Avid Pianist: The "What Is That Hideous Noise?" Edition

"I've never felt compelled to liken the sound of a piano to bagpipes before," confessed one shocked observer, who requested anonymity to avoid the Prime Minister's unique brand of bloody retribution. "It is as though the instrument's inherent musicality had been drained...no...manually beaten from it."

""Gimme Shelter"? Gimme a break, or better yet: earplugs!" said another appalled music fan. "I'd rather hear gunshots coming from my kid's bedroom!"

Stephen Harper's Greatest Hits

Does he hate Canada?

My favorite bit is a nice little quote towards the end about Human Rights being totalitarian, which puts me in mind of Brian Lilley's post today in which he argues that the Lemire Vs. Warman decision from yesterday will become "election fodder". Gawd I hope so. During the Ontario PC leadership race, polls told us what an anti-human rights stance would likely bring.

Short answer: Doom baby, Doom!