They touch his stuff and Levant goes NUTTZZZOO! He gets a bumper sticker reading "I made a fortune in oil, but I spent it all on gas" slapped on his SUV, and the Finger of Blame waves mercilessly:
First, he blames Calgary, where it all happened, for being too damn Eastern:
It's no surprise it is being disseminated...in Calgary, an outpost of Eastern thinking. They want to re-educate us. They are morally better than us, they're smarter than us and they need to save us from ourselves. But they'll take our money.
But if they get uppity Edmonton will separate! Or at least The Wall will go up, and Calgarians will be FUCKED! Take that, Socialist hordes!
And then he blames the CBC, for sponsoring the sticker:
More troubling to me than the vandalism was that this sticker -- obviously designed to be used in this guerrilla tactic -- was proudly sponsored by the CBC. They had their logo right on it -- CBC 1010, the government agency's Calgary branch plant.
Bumper stickers don't vandalize people, Ezra, people vandalize people. I mean, blaming CBC for this is like blaming gun makers for the Montreal Massacre. And that would be Communism!
And then, my favorite bit, Ezra attempts to refute a bumper sticker:
...the sticker is economically wrong -- probably on purpose
Canadians don't set the prices for oil -- in fact, by producing so much supply, Alberta lowers the world's prices.
But the price of gasoline is largely set in Canada -- in Ottawa, actually.
And he FAILS! The bumper sticker becomes Ezra's INTELLECTUAL MASTER, because its obvious that it isn't criticizing the price of Gas per se, but the fact that SUVs guzzle gas at any price! I mean, you'd never tag a Prius, would you, even if gas reached $1.00 per litre?
It blows my mind that people get paid to write this kind of stuff. Frankly, I could eat a bowl of beans and fart a better column.