Tuesday, December 23, 2014

BCLSB Exclusive: Preston Manning's Mea Culpa (Secret 1st Draft!)

Preston Manning has issued a Mea Culpa for his involvement in the defection of nine Wildrose party MLAs back to the Alberta Progressive Conservative Party.  Here at BCLSB we've got moles inside the Canadian Conservative Movement, and they have leaked us a preliminary version of his statement.  As you can see, the original is very different from the  the final, "official" version.  I would say that the tone has been "softened" somewhat.

Statement by Preston Manning

As you will know by now, I've really fucked up good. 

Recently I was asked to meet with members of the Wildrose caucus to share my experience in “uniting the right” at the federal level.  So I told them how shitty it was to be in opposition.  How you get tiny little offices, and the heat doesn't work, and the Prime Minister can shut off your electricity any time with a button under the desk in his office.  I told them that, generally speaking, it was way, wwwaay better to be in power.  You don't have to criticize Alison Redford.  You can BE Alison Redford, with your own private jet and pet monkey. And I told them how Jim Prentice had a hot-tub in his office, and maybe they would get access to it.  So warm.  So wet.  So wonderful.

And I told them about the experience that led to the creation of the Canadian Alliance, which involved a democratic process of discussion with grassroots members, several consultative referendums, large conferences on principles and policy, a vote on acceptance or rejection by party members, and ultimately subjecting the results to electors in the 2000 federal election.  What a bunch of fucking bullshit all that fucking bullshit was!  The "grassroots" are a bunch of nine-tooth goobers from the foothills beyond Yokelton.  Their only "input" into this "process" was to keep insisting that the metric system be repealed because it was the work of Marx and the Devil together, who they call Darx (No shit!  I'm not shitting you!).  But when you tell them that's crazy fuck you, they're fine with it. You could violate them all with a whiffle board bat and they would still vote Conservative. Just don't touch their guns, and let them keep their quaint tradition like capturing  college students who come through town on Spring Break and sacrificing them to the corn gods, and eating them.

And, oh yeah, respect their democratic processes.  They're crazy for their democratic processes. THAT'S  what I forgot last week.  So I want all nine of the Wildrose Members who I talked into crossing,  to cross back the other way.  Outta the jacuzzi and back into the wilderness!  Its good for you; it builds character.  One day you'll sit in that jacuzzi, maybe, when you've earned it.  But not today.

Preston Manning
December 22, 2014


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