Victims Of The War On Xmas?

They fell from the sky!

Xmas Horror Descends To New Depths!

My wife has recently started watching chick flicks about Xmas on the Hallmark Channel.  She won't stop. I call them Chickmas Flicks.  I can't barf harder, or any more frequently.

I Prefer The Term Heathen

But if Manitoba PC leader Brian Pallister wants to wish "infidel atheists" a happy Xmas than I'm OK with it.  Remember, his bunch used to burn our bunch in pyres and throw us in rivers to see if we'd float.  So...definite progress.

Great New Game For Holiday Shopping Season!

Waiting in Line 3D!  Jump up and down!   Look from left to right!  Punch yourself in the face to stay awake (or when you think to yourself "I could be watching football right now!").  A stunning recreation of the holiday shopping experience.

The World Has No Use For Truth Tellers Anymore

A 24-year-old Kingston man was arrested during Saturday's Santa Claus parade after police received a complaint about a man walking along the parade route telling children that Santa Claus doesn't exist.

Read further and you find out the guy was intoxicated, which often leads to truth telling, and incarceration shortly thereafter. Too bad The Truth couldn't find a more suitable vessel.  Nevertheless, the youth must know.

America Finally GETS IT!

Some 45 percent of those polled said the holiday season brings so much financial pressure, they would prefer to skip it altogether.

In other results from the same poll:

- 76% of those polled thought hucking rocks at Xmas Carolers should be legal.

- 63% suspect that their local mall Santa is either a drunk of a pedophile.

- 54% feel that Jimi's version of Little Drummer Boy is the only Xmas Carol worth listening to.  2nd is Run Run Rudolph, at 23%.  Nothing by Burl Ives clears 2%.

- 42% think that Xmas basically means you must become a bloated alchie in the name of Jesus.

- 97% felt that the dressing is the best part and who really cares about the turkey, and frankly the sweet potatoes can go fuck themselves.

Have A Royally Shitty Xmas

Vehicle just cost me $700, and I won't be getting the old dog back for another four hours.  Lotta folks I know will be getting lumps of coal this year.  Meanwhile, Shopper's Drug Mart finally listened to my endless 'plaints.  They're good corporate citizens.  They get it.  My next effort will be to convince the management at Walmart to replace their Mall Santa with an in-store C'thulu.

Tonight I think I'll watch the original Grinch That Stole Xmas.  I always cry at that.  Especially the part where The Grinch gives all the toys back.  What on earth was he thinking?  

Santa Should Straighten Up And Fly Right

 He should dump the pipe.  Kids staying up late Xmas night, hiding behind the couch to catch a glimpse, will see him with the thing and take up the habit themselves.  They'll get tongue cancer, like Eddy Van Halen.  But Eddy could afford to have his removed and install a prosthetic.  Kids don't have that kind of dough; so they're screwed.  X-mas traditionalists--who believe there should be five mistletoes for every menorah, and  think Kwanza is a bunch of politically correct garbage that got whomped-up to appease Louis Farrakhan--should reconsider when it comes to Santa's pipe.  Do it for the children.

Xmas Day Off To A Lucrative Start!

Highlights so far are a nice new coat from Columbia Sports Wear and a wool duffle-coat thingy from T. Hilfiger.  Still a few gift cards to come!  May my readers similarly clean up this season.

PS. The Pope can kiss my butt.

Help Me Defeat Xmas!

...but, as the article goes on to note, it looks like this year, for the very first time, Christmas will fall short vs. porn.  And you, dear reader, can help make it happen, by simply doing what you normally do  11 months of the year, but with a bit more gusto.  Together, we can make Santa cry!

Michael Coren, Your Tears Sustain Me

Michael speculates as to who the aggressors in The Liberal War On Xmas might actually be--those shadowy folk who are always trying have it cancelled, or trying to replace "Merry Xmas!  with "Happy Holiday!", or trying to have the whole thing renamed "STFU Day", or who go to the mall and tell all the kids in line that its not really Santa, and he probably drinks.

Well, Michael Coren,  I am those people.  And  you do  get some stuff right in your column: its not a strictly anti-christian thing--I hate Santa even more than Jesus.  But it isn't a crusade against "The West" by any means. Its something at once deeper and more idealistic than that.

Put simply, we militant secularists are against Joy.  Life is boiled potatoes, offered on a plate without even margarine as a condiment.  Xmas just makes people think that life is boiled potatoes with a bunch of gross sticky syrupy stuff added, that seems good for a bit and then tastes nauseating in its sweetness, which makes you lie around on the couch and fart like a pig for two weeks as your stomach reels from the excess!  And which all just disguises the fact that once February comes around its back to boiled potatoes again, straight-up. 

And as Joy breeds Hope, and Hope is never justified, we militant secularists eschew both.  And if we don't need Joy and Hope, neither does anyone else.  Quod erat demonstrandum.

Our philosophy is best articulated in that Xmas Classic cartoon How The Grinch Stole Xmas!  Except you have to ignore the last five minutes of it, where The Grinch, on the very cusp of victory, cracks at the sound of music (there's a reason the Taliban hate music!) and gives those freaks in Whoville all their Xmas Crap back!  Which, I might add, mostly winds up in a landfill before New Years Day!

I hear the studio insisted thay add that bit, but it totally spoils the story-line.  My heart is broken every time I watch.

Tories Make Play For Anti-Xmas Vote

...cave to radical Xmasists in HOC.

So close. If they had banned celebrating they would have earned my vote forever. Meanwhile, its time once again for the annual Liberal War on Xmas. I will fight alone if I must, but I thought for a moment I had the Harper gov. on-side.

In any case, have a miserable holiday. Remember, when you are overconsuming in the most grotesque fashion imaginable, that there are kids starving in China.

Santa Flames Out!

...somewhere over India, apparently. He must have already finished-up in N.A. because I got all my stuff.

Have a Merry Xmas, because you probably will anyway despite my best efforts. Unless you're in India and the rest of Asia, in which case try and think of The Grinch That Stole Xmas where the Who's wound up with diddly and eased their pain by singing. Singing always helps when you get screwed.

Watched that old cartoon last night, incidentally. Its great until the last few minutes when the Grinch wusses out. And aren't dogs wonderfully loyal creatures?

The Pre-History Of Xmas: In Which Santa Flees Turkey With A Gang Of Midgets

(Note: this is a shameless rehash of something I wrote way back in 2006. However, I think its just as relevant today.)

Saint Nicholas, the inspiration for Santa Claus, was known for his fascination with children and prostitutes. In the "official" stories, these interests are described as being entirely innocent. For example, from The Lifesite:

"Legend has it that Saint Nicholas became aware of a desperately poor parishioner having three daughters with no dowry to recommend them for marriage. The father had planned to sell them into prostitution to provide some means of support. By night, Saint Nicholas secretly brought bags of gold on three separate occasions to the man's home. These generous visitations allowed the three daughters to have sufficient means to avoid whoredom and later strike a marriage covenant. On the third visit to deliver the gift, Nicholas was caught in the act of generosity by the grateful father."

But I once met a guy high up in Jesuit Order who knew the whole secret history of The Church, and he explained to me that this account was a total white-wash. If the truth had come out, Nicholas could have never been made a Saint. The real story is that for two nights Mr. Nicholas snuck in through a handy window to consort with these three vice girls, but on the third night he slipped on roof tiles and fell into some hedges, thus waking their old man!

And of course the girls' father was grateful! He got three bags of gold out of the deal. They were his payoff, his hush money!

In fact, father and daughters were in cahoots. The aforementioned marriage covenant was struck with Saint Nicholas himself, because daddy threatened to squeal him out in public. So Nick wound up living with with the gals Mormon-style, and in folk-tales they became known as The Brides Of Santa.

Nick was content with his lot, for the Brides bore him a whole gang of dwarf children, seven or eight of them in fact, including Grumpy, Smarmy, Sweaty, and Sleazy. But people got wind of their arrangement, and they fled Turkey with a torch-wielding mob on their ass. Eventually the whole motley crue landed up at the North Pole, which was pretty much parts unknown back in those days, and in any case ruled over by the loose living Swedes, who could be counted upon to look the other way with regards to the behavior of this rich bigamist and his midget clan.

Just to be safe, however, St. Nicholas grew a white beard, packed on a few pounds, and started calling himself "Santa". He made his kids shave, floss, and dress a little better, and started referring to them as "elves", which is the Viking word for "little white guy", in an attempt to compensate for their rather swarthy complexion.

So now you know.

Don't have any joy this Xmas. Remember, there's kids starving in Malaysia.

Santa Pays Toronto Early Visit

An Xmas Challenge

R. G. Harvie is one of those Conservatives that I'd characterize as "wrong, but not far gone". He seems a decent sort, in other words. And he's got this idea for a small hero challenge thingy, where bloggers commit to "paying it forward" and "random acts of kindness" and yada yada yada. Sounds quite dubious to me. But the Xmas season seems to bring out the "dogoodnik" in folks...its the booze, I think...and if anyone is looking for a way to get it all out of their system they could do worse than to visit his blog through the link and contemplate taking up the challenge.

PS. If I steal some kid's candy and he doesn't bust a tooth on his jawbreaker, thus sparing his family some very expensive dental surgery over the holidays just after his dad got laid-off from the fish packaging plant, have I committed an "act of kindness"?

Because if so, I'm about 7 Xmases ahead of the game.

If not I'm fucked, obviously.

Blow It Our Your Ass, Charles Adler

I hate it when Conservatives try and act nice. But that's what this stupid Xmas season does to people, which is why I hate it too.

Anyway, I'm off to Walmart this morning to verbally abuse a few mall Santas. They can get fired if they throw a punch. The old "But you're not really Santa!" trick usually does it, especially if they've been drinking.

Shaw TV Declares War On Xmas; BCL Steps In To Save Season

Shaw is adding its popular holiday television channel showing a crackling fireplace log to its Video on Demand service, where it can be viewed for a charitable donation.

[...]

To access the Video on Demand (VoD) version, viewers will have to make a payment of 99 cents...

Normally I would approve of anything that makes people miserable around the holidays, but recently I've been feeling inspired by the whole wikileaks thing, and have decided that, for this season only, I will be offering a pirated version of the famous buring fireplace here at BCLSB absolutely free of charge:


You don't have to thank me. Xmas-time visiters looking for something a bit more lively can watch the alternative video below. It's got nice music:

Another Year, Another War On Xmas

This year I'll up to my usual holiday antics: going to Walmart and harassing their store clerks by telling them they've only only got one menorah up on the wall for every two crucifixes and if they don't fix that pronto in the name of multiculturalism I'll never shop there again and maybe sue them.

See if I can't score myself a free gift-card or two.

h/t

Its Xmas Time

That means I republish my standard "War On Xmas" post, 1st written in December, 2006. I intend to repost it every year until it becomes an acknowledged seasonal Classic, like that thing by Dickens with the crippled kid and the hallucinating pedophile.

No Virginia, Its All Bullshit!

In December of 1897, sad little Virgnia O'Hanlon wrote to The New York Sun as follows:

Dear Editor: I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, "If you see it in The Sun, it's so." Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?

To which chief editor Francis P. Church replied with a now very famous editorial called, "Yes Virginia, There Is A Santa Claus". In the spirit of the season, I will reproduce that editorial here, with some of my own comments to little Miss O'Hanlon interspersed:

Virginia, your little friends are wrong.

They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Virginia, your letter wound-up on the desk of a gouty old fart desperately nostalgic for The Good Old Days which, believe me, existed only in his mind. You think kids back in 1897 were bad? You should see 'em now! A more useless gang of pimple face punks has never afflicted this Earth's surface! They've all got green hair, rings through their noses, and they shave their chests and carry 9 mms and smoke crystal meth! Frankly, you and Mr. Church had it easy! He should quit bitching.

Also, Mr. Church works for The Sun, so he's what your father would probably have called a soak, and what in my day we call a lush bucket. This piece of drivel probably got hacked out between shots of cheap whiskey. Rot-gut liquor has been the source of more bad rhetoric than War and Love combined.

And furthermore, what is this "intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth" supposed to be? Looks like your dear editor was using his newspaper to proselytize some version of the Christian Religion at you. These days things such a thing wouldn't fly. A word to the Feds and we could have God-Boy's ass fired so hard out the door that he wouldn't land until next Xmas.

Anyway, Mr. Church keeps on editorializing:

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The external light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

What are these... THREATS? If Santa isn't real, Poetry will disappear? The Lights will go out? Holy shit, in my day if some old drunk started feeding a little girl like you such a dose of baloney, they'd slap a restraining order on him!

And what's this about there being no Virginias if kids don't believe in Santa? There wouldn't be a North or South Virginia in the first place if Whitey assholes like Mr. Church hadn't come ashore at Plymouth and slaughtered the peaceful Kis'muk'ti-tuk Indians who were already living there! And what's Santa Claus got to do with any of that? Is Mr. Church insinuating that Santa was leading the charge against the Indian villages in his sleigh, innocent Abo kids impaled on the steel-edged antlers of his android rain-deer?

This guy kills me! But he's just warming up:

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies.... The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

Kid, you've hooked a nutter. Believe me, you can take full pleasure in your lawn without worrying about inadvertently trampling dancing fairies. And if by any chance you do manage to squash one, I hear they're damn good eating.

But seriously, there are many unseen and unseeable things in the world, like Debt and Remorse and Poison Gases and cancer-causing Gamma Radiation from The Sun. However, Fairies ARE NOT AMONG THEM!

If this Church fellow has any knowledge of Fairies, its because there's one fluttering in and out of that booze bottle he's been sucking out of. Yeah, Virginia, these days we've got a word for his kind of fairies: delirious tremblins, we call 'em.

But wait...There's more!

You tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart.

Kid, don't tear apart any baby rattles. That would be cruel. Besides, there's just this little plastic bean thing that bounces around inside making the sound. It's no big mystery. Leave your little brother's toys alone. He'll cry.

Only faith, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond.

Magic mushrooms do the same trick. They can also convince you that jam bands like Phish or the Grateful Dead don't suck. But that wears off.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

Okay, little sister, here's how Xmas really works. Capitalist society has trained your parents to drool like Pavlov's dog at the sight of a fat guy in a red suit. So, believe The Hype or not, you're going to get piles of gifts at exactly the same time every year. Your folks can't help it, and you couldn't stop them if you wanted to.

And the gift getting part is all that should really matter, for deep down Xmas a time of getting, getting all you can when the getting's good. When you become older and start buying gifts of your own, you'll realize the truth of what I'm saying. Then you'll understand that if the total amount of money you spend on gifts is less than the total amount of the gifts you receive, you've WON Xmas!

...and that is a terrific feeling. And Santa's got nothing to do with it.