Thursday, July 04, 2013

Hudak's Lament: PCPO Leader Issues Statement Re Doug Holyday, Steve Ryan, And Wayne Wettlaufer

Actually, no, Tim Hudak has not issued a statement in regards to the PCPO's double fluff-up on the first day of their bye-election campaign.--ie Wayne Wettlaufer's comment on ignorant women who vote Liberal, and Doug Holyday's ill-time speculation about a possible run for MPP in  Etobicoke-Lakeshore.  The former insulted half the province in a single tweet, and the latter involves Holyday possibly ousting a fellow Conservative named Steve Ryan, who won the nomination out there fair-and-square back in December.  That's a sure way to party unity!

In fact, Hudak planned to issue a statement, but his handlers snatched it from him.  Luckly, I got hold of an early draft, which I have reproduced below:

My Fellow Ontarions,

I am so sick of all this bullshit.  The government of the day is tired, awash in scandal, demoralized.  And yet there  are five bye-elections coming up and I am poised to get bupkis outta them.  

Well no, not quite bupkis.  I'm going to get a shitload o' blame for the result.  And yes, I am The Leader.  But there's only so much I can do leading a cartload of hapless boobs.  I got a weak bench, is what I'm saying.  I'm not suggesting they're morons.  I'm saying morons can beat these guys in checkers.

And you know what?  Wayne and Doug aren't even the worst.  That would be Randy Hillier, from out in Lanarck.  I go to hoedowns with him out there, to meet his people, and they cook and consume all sorts of wild meat and, frankly, its difficult for me to watch them eat.  Very disturbing.  And the worst part is I can see their scheming.  Randy watches me out of the corner of my eye, waiting for me to stumble, to eat with a fork or something hopelessly Liberal like that.

Well, I'll tell you what, Randy.  You want my job, you can have it.  You just have to ask up front.  In fact why don't you just kill me now?  Rip my fucking guts out and strangle my political career with them.   Because I can't hack it anymore!!!  I can no longer work under such conditions!!!  

And then afterwards I'll be free, and I can go back to the private sector.  Maybe sit on a board.  Maybe help conserve some poor animal. I like bunnies, for example.  I'm not that guy you see on tv, that looks like Richard Nixon shagged a weasel.  I'm really quite sweet when you get to know me.

I have a resume if anyone wants to look at it.

Tim Hudak

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